Friendship, Aging, Gender — and Lawyers

The Hidden Brain is a great radio program with frequent stories relevant to aging.  A recent episode is titled Guys, We Have A Problem: How American Masculinity Creates Lonely Men.  Frankly, I think the title doesn’t do the episode justice, as although the episode focuses primarily on the potentially disproportionate likelihood of isolation and loneliness for men as they get older, many of the program’s most important points strike me as applying equally to anyone who finds his or her life becoming more isolated.

One interview explored the moving personal history of a lawyer, Paul Kugelman, as he went through life, starting with disconnections connected to frequent military-service-connected family relocation, followed by his own divorce and struggles with work/life balance, a temptation to drink, and a a recovery strategy that included completing an Iron-Man Marathon. But running wasn’t enough. Over-reliance on a spouse put enormous pressure on the relationship. He had to learn new skills to create new friendships.

The program also explored findings from an early Harvard study of American men, now known as the Harvard Study of Adult Development, a study that has been on-going, with various adjustments based on funding sources, for 8 decades. One question asked over the entire course of the study’s history was  deceptively simple:

Who would you call in the middle of the night if you were sick or afraid?

It turns out that if men had a solid answer to that question,  they were happier with their lives and their marriages.   “There were also connections with the men’s answers to that question and their physical health.  Very strong connections.”  

The program dug deeper into physical health and emotional connections, suggesting that we should think about how coming into work on a Monday morning.  Do you look forward to seeing people you like? That connection is energizing.  And calming.

The program explained that studies show that the people who are “happiest in retirement are those who actively work to replace colleagues with friends.”  “Spending time building and nurturing your friendships might be just as important to your health as eating right and exercising.”

Bottom line:  Don’t miss the warning signs that your social circles are shrinking, regardless of gender.