Tis the Season….

Tis the season….to gather all the family together to celebrate the holidays and … to have family disagreements at holiday gatherings. Well this post is just in time for you!

Last week we posted a blog about the New York Times Booming section series, Ask the Expert, who for this installment is Professor Sheila Heen.  Part one of her response has been published and may be found here. This first installment deals with “siblings with grudges” and contains 5 questions from readers.  

Professor Heen first discusses why our recollection of events may differ from those of our siblings and explains the concepts of “emotional math” and how emotion influences what we remember.  She also suggests not writing a letter or email to the sibling (read the article if doing so is your only way to reach your sibling). She does offer three strategies to reconnect with your siblings: (1) along the lines of actions speak louder than words, she suggests just “acting normal”; (2) set a time to talk about the future; and (3) start the ball rolling–talk about why you are estranged (and, as any good teacher will tell you–the conversation involves two parts: talking and listening).

She offers some helpful hints as well: own up to your role in the rift; talk about impact, not intention; and give your siblings your desires for the future of your relationship.  She offers this sage advice: “the bottom line is that the only person you control in this relationship is yourself. Your goal should be to offer the most appealing and welcoming invitation to relationship that you can, consistently over time, and to feel proud of the way you handled it. How they choose to respond is up to them.”

The second installment will cover holiday conflicts–just in time for unwrapping the packages!